My tendency has always been to focus on the negative.

Not because I want to be critical, but, rather, because I want to fix everything.

However, my experiences have shown me that what we focus on is what we see in our lives, or as Dr. Eisele puts it, “What you count is what you get.” 

So, today I am choosing to count my blessings…

I am thankful for my son - who makes me laugh, and constantly challenges me to be a better person, to be more patient, to always be open to seeing things from a new perspective, and to never assume my way is the only right way to do anything!

I am thankful for my mom - my best friend – who is always there to help me, to listen when I need to talk, and understands when I simply need to vent.  

I am thankful for my dog – who continues to live, in spite of the toll old age has taken on his body.

I am thankful for music – the blessing of being able to have a job that I love -having the privilege of singing and the opportunity to play a beautiful piano each week, while participating in worship with a wonderful group of talented musicians! 

I am thankful for God’s perfect timing in all things… 

… and I am thankful that God continues to provide for our every need and work everything together for good – even when I’m unable to understand why things are happening the way they are – and I am so-o-o sure that my way would be better -

Yet I know that there is a time and a season for all things, and all things work together for good, and all is well…

Tabor has begun walking into walls.  He often gets stuck standing behind the door in my room with his nose in the corner.   When this happens, I gently pick him up and place him on the other side of the door so he can find his way out of the room.

But I have to ask myself… how long do I allow this to go on?

My vet tells me that I’ll know when it’s time to put him down, but I’m not sure that I believe in putting animals down.  This is something I’ve never had to do, and I keep praying that Tabor will just going on his own – in his sleep – because I don’t think I could bring myself to do it.  Besides, isn’t it natural for creatures to die on their own? 

Isn’t death a natural part of life, that happens when it is supposed to happen, without assistance from anyone? 

Who am I to decide that it’s his time?

Yes, if it gets to the point where he’s unable to walk, I guess I’ll have no choice, but at this point, as long as he’s not in pain, it doesn’t seem right for me to make the decision that it’s time for him to go.

Yet, it’s so hard to watch this part of his life, knowing that it’s not going to get any better, and that the next stage is simply going to be saying goodbye.

My son and I have had long discussions in preparation for Tabor’s passing, but even that doesn’t prepare us completely for the emptiness we’ll feel be after he’s gone, or the days we’ll rush home thinking that we need to let the dog out only to get home and remember that he’s no longer with us. 

 

The book, One Small Step Can Change Your Life, by Robert Maurer - based on the Kaizen technique – is very easy to read, and makes a great deal of sense.  It talks about how we are all wired to go into fight or flight mode when we are overwhelmed and stressed out by life’s circumstances.  So, in order to be able to make changes in our lives, without setting off the alarm system that sends us into fight or flight, we need to take very small steps as we work towards any new goal or behavior. 

Maurer explains how a woman, who was extremely overweight, used the Kaizen technique to successfully lose weight.  This woman had gone to many doctors, but nothing seemed to work – until she met with a doctor who suggested that she simply walk in place for 1 minute a day.  Although this seemed like a ridiculous request, this was something that the woman was actually able to do without feeling overwhelmed.  As a result, she stuck with it, built up her confidence and was gradually able to add more time and eventually she was exercising about 20-30 minutes a day, and was able to lose the weight.

For me personally, one of the mundane things that I find overwhelming is seeing papers that need to be filed piling up on the floor next to my desk.   I have a tendency to put things into piles and to let the piles build up until I can’t stand it anymore – at which point I finally take the time to sort through them.  However, I would much rather simply be able to put things away as they come to me.  Yet, as I look around my home, I see these piles of paper, and I’m feeling very frustrated and overwhelmed, to the point where I just want to give up and shut down, because I don’t see how I will ever be able to change this piling habit.  Plus, with having so much homework, I don’t see where I could possibly find a single minute to begin sorting and filing the paper in these piles. 

However, if I think about only putting away 1 thing each night – like maybe filing 1 piece of paper – it doesn’t feel quite so overwhelming.  (Although it frustrates me because I find it hard to believe that I will be able to make any progress, since I’ll only be putting away 1 thing, and I may be adding more than 1 thing to the pile on certain days.  So then I start to think, what’s the point?  Plus, I know that often when I tell myself I’ll only do something for a short amount of time, I end up pushing myself to do more than I had originally planned, and then feel like I’ve been lying to myself, just so I could get started doing something that I really didn’t want to do.)  Maybe, if I could get myself to stick to putting away ONLY 1 thing per night, then after a week or two, I could graduate to putting away 2 things?  And hopefully, in the process I can “train my brain” to be OK with putting things away without panicking, and eventually learn to file things right away, so they don’t pile up.

So, along with taking very short periods to meditate -5 minutes in the morning and 5 minutes at night  (see previous blog) – I am going to file 1 piece of paper a day.  Who knows, maybe I’ll get to the bottom of a couple of piles by Christmas?  Or better yet, maybe I’ll get to the point where I automatically put things away, instead of creating these irritating, ever-growing, file piles! 

 ————————————————————–

Attitude Determines Attitude
by Author Unknown

I woke up early today, excited over all I get to do before
the clock strikes midnight. I have responsibilities to
fulfill today. I am important. My job is to choose what kind
of day I am going to have.

Today I can complain because the weather is rainy or I can
be thankful that the grass is getting watered for free.

Today I can feel sad that I don’t have more money or I can
be glad that my finances encourage me to plan my purchases
wisely and guide me away from waste.

Today I can grumble about my health or I can rejoice that I
am alive.

Today I can lament over all that my parents didn’t give me
when I was growing up or I can feel grateful that they
allowed me to be born.

Today I can cry because roses have thorns or I can celebrate
that thorns have roses.

Today I can mourn my lack of friends or I can excitedly
embark upon a quest to discover new relationships.

Today I can whine because I have to go to work or I can
shout for joy because I have a job to do.

Today I can complain because I have to go to school or
eagerly open my mind and fill it with rich new tidbits of
knowledge.

Today I can murmur dejectedly because I have to do housework
or I can feel honored because the Lord has provided shelter
for my mind, body and soul.

Today stretches ahead of me, waiting to be shaped. And here
I am, the sculptor who gets to do the shaping.

What today will be like is up to you. You get to choose what
kind of day you will have!

———————————–

Wow!  If only I could keep this perspective all of the time! 

Despereaux by Kate DiCamillo, Illustrated by Timothy Basil Ering. 2003.
Received the John Newberry Medal for the “Most Distinguished Contribution to American Literature for Children.”
Grade Level: 4th or 5th grade reading level, but enjoyable for everyone!

My son and I have read Despereaux together twice, and – because he liked it so much – my son read it a third time with his grandma. It is one of those books that is difficult to put down. One of my favorite things about the book is the way that the author speaks directly to the readers towards the end of each chapter, explaining the meanings of different words, or looking at events from different perspectives. These little sections also make the book more accessible to different levels of readers, and, although the reading level of this book is around 4th or 5th grade, the story is so well written that it would definitely be enjoyed by children and adults of all ages!

Despereaux is a wonderful story about a very small mouse who falls in love with the Princess Pea. Because of his contact with humans, Despereaux is exiled by the other mice and sent to the dungeon to “live with” (or more likely be killed by) the rats. However, when this young girl, named Miggery Sow – Mig for short – is sent to the palace to serve the Princess, a rat named Roscuro convinces Mig that, if she will help him kidnap the real princess, she will become the Princess Pea. Despereaux finds out about the plot, but is too late to stop the kidnapping. He then attempts to convince the king of the truth – that the rats have captured the Princess Pea and are holding her in the dungeon. However, the king refuses to believe Despereaux, and so this small mouse is left to save his love, the Pea, on his own.

To fill in a few more details, here is a basic outline of most of the book. This book is 270 pages long and is divided into 4 books. In the first book Despereaux is born, and falls in love with the Princess Pea. The second book takes us backwards and explains how the Princess Pea’s mother, the queen, loved soup and made soup every day. But one day she found a rat in her soup and died, after exclaiming, “There is a rat in my soup!” As she said this, the queen gave the rat, named Roscuro, such a vicious look that it broke his heart. Because of this, Roscuro, decides that he wants revenge, which leads to his decision to kidnap the princess. In the third book, we are introduced to the character Miggery Sow (nice choice for a name!), who lives with her “uncle.” Miggery’s “uncle” has been grabbing her ear or “giving her ear a clout” basically for anything she does that he finds annoying. Consequently, “Mig” has a cauliflower ear and does not hear or speak well. As I mentioned above, Mig dreams of being a princess, so when she is brought to the palace to serve the Princess Pea, the rat, Roscuro, is easily able to convince her to participate in his plan to kidnap the real princess, by promising her that she will become the Princess Pea, if she helps him.

Reader, there are many other events that occur in this book and many other wonderful characters. However, this is as much information as I will give you, as it would ruin the book if I told you the whole story!

See that leaf on the right side – the one that’s lower than the tree – that appears to be hanging in mid-air?  It’s hanging by a spider web, just a very thin thread is keeping it from falling…  This is what I saw this morning when I took Tabor out, and I thought, “Hey, that’s me!”  That’s my life at this point, and the sad thing is, that’s my dogs life, and probably my son’s life as well at this moment. 

Is that the way it is for everyone? 

Maybe not all the time, but at least some of the time? 

Right now there is so much going on, and it feels as if “they’re” clipping away at that small thread that I’m hanging by, and I’m wondering…

“When’s it going to break?” 

These are the moments when I throw my hands up in the air and say,

“God, what were you thinking?”

These are the moments when I am driven to pray and meditate, because if I didn’t, I’d probably jump off a bridge… If I were an alcoholic, I’d be pickled by now, but instead, I’m yelling and screaming at God,

“What were you thinking? Don’t you know that I can’t take anymore!” 

The thing that I keep having to relearn – that I can’t seem to get through my thick head – is that when I get to that point where I’m hanging by a thread, thinking that I have to hang on, or everything will fall apart, when I finally take the time to pray and meditate, I realize that I just need to let go, and allow myself to fall, because in the end God catches me, and somehow works everything out for the best… 

Inspite of all of my attempts to control things that are way out of my control…

Inspite of my attempts to hold on to that thread, to hold on to the past and keep things from changing…

And inspite of all the stupid things that I do that just make a mess of everything…

All is Well, and God is in control…

If only I could learn to let go sooner, and just trust that everything is working together for good… maybe I’d be able to avoid the fear and pain that I feel each time I find myself hanging on to this stupid thread…

Thank God that I’m not the one running this universe. 

Sometimes I just need a reminder!

 My friend Tabor is 15 years old.  I’ve had him since he was 6 weeks.  He had a huge black mustache when we first got him and it reminded us of Horace Tabor, the founder of Leadville, CO – so that’s how he got his name!

Tabor’s been falling apart over the past few years – he’s lost most of his hearing, can only see out of one eye, and is on a fiber friendly diet!  My son and I watch him slowly fading away – and it hurts…   Tabor used to weigh 12 pounds, but since his muscles have atrophied, he’s down to a meager 7 pounds.  On top of that he has arthritis in his spine, so now the arch in his back is higher than his head. 

Last year, each time Tabor had to go out my son or I would carry him back up the 4 flights of stairs to our apartment.  Lately, we have to carry him down the stairs as well.   When he is able to walk downstairs, Tabor tends to go in the wrong direction and stands there facing the wall thinking that it’s a door he can walk through. 

He sleeps most of the time.  And on those mornings when he’s really tired and is just laying there, I check to make sure he’s breathing.  I know the day is coming when  he won’t be with us any longer, but for now, each time I find he’s still breathing, I feel grateful for another day with him.